When the shadows shout rather than whisper. .

Jan 15th 2020. 

01/15/2020

A blog, A ramble. My writing is a ramble. I say it how I feel and think about it. Please excuse the chaos of thought. Just allow yourself to find a point I am stating for myself and maybe even yourself. 

 

January is well into the swing of January now. 

This year the plan was not to change many things as I was on the journey anyway and actually heading in the right direction. 

How wrong maybe I was, hhhhhhmm. 

I awoke a few days ago and my mind was shot. I have been feeling the shadows whispering that I am teetering on the edge of mental burn out for some time. December I could taste the signs and I was not paying attention to my inner voice. 

Life has been a real journey this last decade. Towards the end of November 2019, it started to look like the journey was closing this chapter. 

I was actually not aware of the signs the universe was showing me. I look back and can see it now. 

We are all changing all the time. Change is inevitable and for me now change is coming on a personal mind level. 

I recognise through this latest learning and the reading of a book about burn out that I have always defined who I am by my work. 

My job has always been my definition. I have skipped over and past so many opportunities outside my work to become such a great person. I turned down the chance to the trained by the best cross country skier once. I look back and beg why I would have said no. Such a chance I would snap up now. Yet knocking on the door of 50. 

I have woken up to myself and realised that I define who I am with my job. If my job is good, I am good. If my work is rough, then I am rough. 

I reward the good with beer, chips, pizza, curry and Chinese and even wine and fags. I reward rough with the same. 

I am not valuing who I am. I am not defining me for who I am. 

I am the man that did competitively ski at the age of 19 all over the world with the military. I am the man that has been to South America, Asia, Africa and the Middle East competing in running races and triathlons. 

Yet fuelled not by the fact that my physical exercise was and is who I am. But by my job and fuelled by pizza. 

I never valued who I am. I always knew I could outrun the pizza. Actually, as I have learnt during 2018 and half of 2019, you can’t outrun your diet. 

I am 14kg lighter today than I was 13 months ago. How? No real idea apart from the fact I can see how I have been on a journey of self-reflection for 2 and maybe even 3 years now. 

I have fasted, run, crossfitted, eat pizza, drank a beer and far too many beers but I have lived with a sense of moderation. Fewer calories. Smaller plates. Smaller amounts. 

What has been missing for me though is me. 

I have been missing me. This hit me a few days ago. I am not being true to me. I define who I am with my work. Yet my work joy has been lost. The business I love yet it does not love me at the moment with a few different barriers. I have forgotten to love me and allow the work to be second. When the work is second it is always fun. Looking after me and being me, who I am should always be first. In every action. Then the joy of work just becomes a joy. Then the riches of abundance in who I am and in money and being able to help just flows. It flows into every interaction. 

When I forget to be me first. The rest starts to go slow. It becomes different. I think about it too much. It loses its fun. 

I define me as my work so the mind stops listening to the shadows that whisper. 

I heard the shadows whispering in early December. I did not pay attention. 

This last few days they blooming well gave up whispering and starting screaming at me via a megaphone. 

Ok. I hear the voices and advice. 

I sit here and ask myself the question – -Who am I? Who am I outside of my work. Forget my work. Work should be fun, it provides good stuff. Who am I as a person, ??

Validate me. Define me. Be happy with me. Have and bring joy to me by being me first. 

But who is me?

I sit and reflect on really an amazing life. I have had some massive ups and downs. I have been so so so very lonely, so so very happy and so so very lucky with some amazing friends and proper pals. 

But who am I? How do I define me, so this is my driving force to joy, happiness and self-belief?

Massive question FOR ME this as I am rather an oddball at times.

I shall take the time to realign my mind. The Brain fog is real. The tiredness is real. The loss of passion is real. The loss of love for my role at work is real. So much of my outcome for 10 years is done. The megaphone started whispering to ask me to to take notice. I ignored it and it started shouting and I ignored it and the fog has punched me hard down i dropped. 

The map needs redrawing in me. 

I need to draw the line under the last 10 years. It has been about survival so much. Yet all that is now done and dusted. 

Now I can move on for me. The brain and mind have punched me for a few weeks now to get me to listen. 

OK. I am listening. 

I am present. I shall be present in my joys in life and listen to my feelings and thoughts and realign. 

First I need to consider this big old brain fog I have. I am still on the floor and being counted to 10. . 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.