The tune. The magic tune of noise and emotional pain and then attempted acceptance.
(I describe the tune as “she, her, a female) (Barbera, my special friend and enemy)
A constant tune. A constant ringing. Loud at times. Quiet at times. She is always there.
She has been around as long as I can remember. It was just a weird noise that never really meant anything. At times she decided to play up, have a tantrum and play the music very loud. At other times she was a pretty angel and just played a gentle ringing in the right ear.
A friend she has now become. But not before “she” the magic tune was a true enemy.
An enemy, psychological warfare by an invisible “thing” that unless you hear “the ringing” one simply does not get the pain and more pain she brings.
The emotions, states of mind, physical states I have created are:
Tiredness
Acute Insomnia
Just insomnia
Anger
Frustration
Self Pity
TIredness
withdrawal from life, withdrawal friends, withdrawal from family, Withdrawal from hobbies
A want to sleep – A lot..no bad thing that though,
A want to hide in a dark room.
The need to play music to mask her.
NOW-
I now live in a state of satisfaction and understanding that she can choose to play her tune whenever Barbera decides.. The response I put to it is truly mine. I choose my response.
She does still beat me at times and I look to remove myself from the noise and bury myself in my short term cure Tinto.
Barbera plays a game, somedays she is an evil lesson for me to hear, others a gentle classical sound.
Recently I have been part of a clinical trial for Insomnia and Tinnitus at UCL in London. I have learnt a lot in these few months.
I will go into more details on this in a separate blog. The key thing that has helped me – -Talking about it. Being able to express the good and the bad about barbera.
